I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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