Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
