explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
