whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
