I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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