whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
