and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
