It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
