No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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