Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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