How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I understand Curling. That high.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize