my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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