Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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