I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
a search helicopter?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
