Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
