i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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