yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
