Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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