Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
