Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
