i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
