So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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