Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
