I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
