the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
