I am spending my child support on dildos
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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