I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
