My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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