Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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