i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
