nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
