I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
