i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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