He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
