I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
