There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize