This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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