I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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