I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
