there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
