that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize