I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
