Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
