I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The uberlube is also flammable
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
