I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
