I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
