Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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