fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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