I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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