If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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