I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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