Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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