i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
