you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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