He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize