He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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