you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
