Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
