smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
